The "Talk"

The "Talk" 

The Birds & The Bees & what you need to know.

Consent is Key

The first and most important thing to know about sex, is you should Never be afraid to say no. You have the right to your body and your feelings come first. If you feel uncomfortable with anything, you have the right to say so, and leave any situation, at any point. You don't owe anyone anything.

If a guy ever tells you his arousal (or boner) is your fault, and it hurts him so you have to fix it- do all woman a favor and slap him… or better yet- punch his banana.

No matter what you said, wore, or did, you do not owe them sex. No matter if they paid for your dinner, bought you something expensive, or did anything else- you Do Not owe them sex. Even if you made out and went all the way to third base, and even if you said you wanted sex 5 minutes ago, you do not have to have sex! Even if you are both in the middle of sex, which you previously agreed to, you can say stop at any time, and you do not have to have sex.

Understand? Never, ever does anyone have the right to touch you, or do anything to you, that you don't feel like.

Consent is saying, with words, that you each had decided that you want to have sex. You need to receive consent from the partner you plan to have relations with- before advancing toward sexual behavior. If your partner is not 100% awake, aware, and confident in giving consent you should Never Ever advance.

You always have the right to stop anything, and leave at any time. You should never be embarrassed to call someone or walk away.

Please never go anywhere alone with anyone you don't know very, very well. Always carry a phone, and money with you incase you need to call for help or get a ride. Have a back up plan, or phone a friend ready in advance. (Someone you already know you can call before you need to call someone.)

The Anatomy

Males have certain parts. Woman have certain parts. (Wow no way!) Those parts fit together.

When aroused, blood rushes to those parts and they start to do different things to get ready.

For men, when aroused, they have an Erection (where their penis grows, swells, and becomes stiff) The size difference varies and there is no way to say for sure how much it will grow. An “Average” size penis is about 3.5” long normally, and about 5.5” long when erect.

The average vagina is 3-4” deep. But it is like a deflated balloon, and the sides actually touch. When something is inserted (tampon, finger, penis) it stretches and molds around the object. (That’s why a tampon doesn’t fall out, but a penis that is 4-5 times the width still fits.) When she is aroused the blood flow causes the uterus and cervix to shift up and the vagina to get longer and stretch (like a ballon getting filled with air). It also starts to “get wet” or lubricate itself so that intercourse is not painful and does not tear (yes that’s possible, but only tiny tears may occur from sex, and do not need special treatment, it is only uncomfortable.)

Unfortunately for woman- it takes a lot longer to “warm up” than it does for our Male partners. Where as when a man gets aroused, he is ready to go almost immediately. It takes a woman about 20 minutes of foreplay (arousal without intercourse. I.e steamy make out. Rounding the bases) before she is ready to go and actually enjoy it. Having intercourse too quickly without enough warming up, can result in painful or less than good sex.

An orgasm occurs when you “climax” or the build up releases. For men this occurs during ejaculation 98% of the time. (Ejaculation is when sperm is pumped out of the penis in a creamy, gooey liquid called semen or cum) Any liquid from the penis before ejaculation is called pre cum, and in 40% of men this still has fertile sperm! (Read more here)

For woman, nothing visually noticeable happens during orgasm. Woman can have longer orgasms then men, and have multiple orgasms over and over. Whereas men usually only get one, two if the can go a second round and ejaculate again.

If you are wondering if you have ever had an orgasm- you probably haven't. You will know if it happens, it is a very intense, sometimes almost painful, yet enjoyable experience. You can get close but not actually reach a climax. And the majority of woman can not accomplish an orgasm with sex alone. You can research that more on your own if you wish, but I will say that the clit is more important than the vagina.

The Bases & Intercourse

When a penis is inserted into the vagina, this is called Intercourse.

Intercourse is not the only type of sex. But Intercourse is *pretty much the only way to get pregnant, as the sperm must reach the cervix (at the end of the vagina). As long as the cum does not get inside the vagina you can not get pregnant.

You don't technically lose your virginity unless you reach intercourse (4th base) But some people refer to 2nd & 3rd base as "Sex without intercourse".

Losing your virginity is a big decision. It is an emotional as well as physical thing. You lose your virginity when you have intercourse for the first time. Sometimes the woman will bleed when the hymen breaks (or cherry pops). Sometimes there is no hymen, it has broke down on its own, or it has previously broke on its own (that can happen)

Using a tampon won’t break your hymen, and you can't lose your virginity from one.

The first time a woman has sex can be very uncomfortable. Her body may not have had to stretch or lubricate before, and it can take a few times to adjust. Going in to fast, or too deep can hurt her. Make sure to go slow careful your first time.

There are different types of sex.

Intercourse (Penis in Vagina)

Oral (Using your mouths to pleasure each others genitals)

Anal (Penis in females Anus)

And Massage/Masturbation. (Touching each other/yourself)

It is important to remember that you can get infections, herpes, and STDs from any kind of sex, even Oral, or Anal, although you can *only get pregnant from intercourse.

Massage and Masturbation refers to massaging the genitals for pleasure. When guys Masturbate its called “Jerking or Jacking off”. It is the safest form of sex because you can't catch an STD from yourself, and you can't get pregnant from yourself. However there are certain dangers to “self pleasure”. Especially for woman, Masturbation can affect how you feel about intercourse, and sexual relations with men. It can make it even harder for woman to reach climax during intercourse. And men who Masturbate are more fertile (so bigger risk of getting their partners pregnant)

It is also seen as a sin in many religions.  

A man produces sperm every day, and is fertile 24/7. A female only produces one egg per month and is *usually only fertile for 3-5 days a month. (Read more about that HERE.)

*In every ejaculation there is around 200 - 500 million sperm. And you have to make sure that NOT ONE of those little minions gets to the uterus. This means that if you touch the tip of the penis and get “fluids” of any kind on your fingers (or toys) that you should not put those things inside the vagina. You should not sit in a bath, pool, or hot tub that has been ejaculated in. And he should never ejaculate on any area around the vagina or butt. 1 Sperm + Vagina = :(

Lust -vs- Love

I think it is important to put this here as well, because if I was giving "The Talk" to my kid I would want this to be mentioned.

During your teenage years your body is full of hormones and chemicals. You are generally dissatisfied with life, and longing for a relationship (as that seems to be the source of true happiness... right?)

As you long for a connection with someone, and are finding our who you are and what you are attracted to, you enter into the dating world.

You also feel as though you know a lot about a lot of things you only know a small amount about. Its not that you are less intelligent or naive. Its that, as a teen, you are almost half way up the tree, and you can see A LOT from where you are. But you don't see everything as far or clearly as you can from the top of the tree, which you are not yet at. You don't have to be a certain age- but you need to have climbed high enough that you have a full perspective.

So please trust me when I tell you that Love is something more than what you can experience during adolescence. Im not to saying that you can not feel Love towards someone at this age. However the chances that you find a real meaningful and fulfilling relationship while in school is very very slim. These strong feelings that occur often for teenagers are attraction and lust. They can evolve into love over time, but often they don't.

"Love is an intense feeling of affection and care towards another person. It is a profound and caring attraction. On the other hand, lust is a strong desire of a sexual nature." www.diffen.com/difference/Love_vs_Lust

If you Love someone you put their needs above your own, you care about them in a deep way, and you are willing to sacrifice things for them and put them first. You don't just want to have fun, have sex, or have their babies. And I know your gonna say "I LOVE this person, I would DIE for them, being Mr.s So and so is all I want in life!"

But if you haven’t been together for at least 6 months, you’re still seeing them through rose colored glasses. And haven’t developed a deep emotional connection.

So make sure you know for sure that you LOVE this person before you make the decision to take your relationship to a physical level.

Make sure you have a strong emotional foundation to build on, and don't rush into anything. Love waits. If they are not willing to wait (as long as you want, even until after high school) for sex, they don't really love you! Its just lust.